Dan's 8 Minute Reviews

~ Movies: The first 8(ish) minutes, reviewed. ~

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February 4, 2026

Kung Fu Hustle: A Review of the Whole Movie Except the Last 1 Hour, 31 Minutes, and 25 Seconds

The scene is set: a ruthless gang mercilessly slaughtered by an even more ruthless gang. The more ruthless gang is not only merciless, but also runs an illegal (I assume) gambling ring, and does choreographed dances to celebrate after a slaughter. Doesn't get more ruthless than a choreographed dance after chopping someone's leg off with a thrown axe and then shooting a woman in the back. The police are useless and are powerless to fight back.

Meanwhile, the only hope to rid the city of this menace comes from the poorest part of town, where manual labor keeps him resilient and strong as shit. Despite being poor, there's a sense of community. People help and protect each other here.

Intentional shot choices quickly convey the vibe. A montage of black and white photos, meaning this must be based on real events. Action that tells a story instead of just being "cool". A story of good vs evil, money vs community, and doing whatever it takes to protect the people you love against insurmountable odds.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

February 3, 2026

Eight Minutes In: The Gorge

Already better than Lightningfarts: The Lame Avengers.

🔫🔫🔫🔫

UPDATE

I quite enjoyed it. Definitely a huge improvement over Anaconda and especially Stormstrikers*: Avenge Me Daddy 🥺👉👈

February 2, 2026

Eight Minutes of: Thunderbolts*

It has all the makings so far of Definitely a Marvel Movie:

✅ Single-handedly kicking the ass of 8 guys with guns
✅ Bad guys (or good guys idk it doesn't actually matter, does it?) who inexplicably run at the "hero" with batons instead of firing their guns
✅ "Witty" banter from a completely unconcerned "hero"
✅ Some mysterious science that could "destroy the world"
✅ A scientist with a cryptic warning who dies before he can explain to the audience what's going on
✅ At least one morally grey character who I'm probably supposed to remember from some other media
✅ 3+ references to movies I haven't seen (I think?)
✅ Captain Ameri-Guinea Pig
✅ A government that has lost control of its CEOs
✅ Julia Louis-Dreyfus
✅ A super-hero dry spell that's going to be a problem when the aforementioned "world-destroying" science is inevitably let loose

⚡⚡⚡ / 🦸‍♀️🦹‍♀️🦸‍♀️🦸‍♀️🦸‍♀️

UPDATE

Had I watched a few more minutes I would have added:

✅ "Russians" with extremely mediocre accents who never talk to each other in Russian
✅ Stormtroopers dressed up as US military

P.S.

I haven't finished yet, but how in the everloving fuck are the reviews for this movie so high???

P.P.S.

Is the bar really that low for marvel movies??

P.P.P.S.

It should have just been called "Definitely a Marvel Movie".

SPOILER

They just gave up on allegory and instead just went "but what if friendship was literally the solution!"

February 1, 2026

Anaconda (2025): 20 Minute Review

10/10. No notes.

October 11, 2025

The Fly: 8 Minute Review

This movie would never work today. There were so many times that this woman could have and should have turned around and refused to join him in one of the sketchiest labs ever built.

And all he has to show for it is a nap pod that can analyze and dematerialize a stocking. No sign of the promised "fly", pretty disappointing.

I'll stay for Jeff Goldblum though.

🪰🪰 / 5

August 17, 2025

Jaws — 8 Minute Review

Not much to go on yet, I'm assuming it was a big shark that ate her based on the movie poster.

🦈🦈🦞 / 5

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