About This Page

What Is This?

8 Minute Reviews is what it sounds like: I watch the first eight minutes of a movie and then write a review based on what I've seen. Sometimes I make it nine minutes. Sometimes twenty-two. One time I reviewed all of Kung Fu Hustle except the last one hour, thirty-one minutes, and twenty-five seconds. The rules are flexible.

How It All Started

I fell asleep eight minutes into The Green Knight.

The next day, with the moral confidence of a man who had not actually finished a movie, I messaged the group chat to inform them that I didn't like it. They pointed out, fairly, that I had not actually watched it. I argued, less fairly, that eight minutes was plenty.

That was the original 8 minute review. Everything on this site is downstream of that nap.

Why Eight Minutes?

1. It's roughly the length of a microwaved Hot Pocket cooldown.
2. Most movies have shown you their thesis statement by then.
3. If they haven't, that's also a review.

Who Runs This Joint?

Just me, Dan. One guy with too many opinions and a stopwatch.

The Rules of This Site

• The review starts when the movie starts.
• The review ends when I say it does.
• Ratings can be stars, emojis, or whatever feels right that day.
• No spoilers… ok some spoilers.
• Be kind, rewind.

This page is a labor of love, hand-coded in Notepad in 1996 and somehow still updating in 2026. If anything is broken, please blame Netscape.